That Magical Door

He woke up with a shudder. It was as if a sudden jolt of lightning went pass right through his head. Someone whispered something in his ears. But there was no one in the room apart from him and that suffocating silence that had engulfed the ambiance. Was it a dream? He tried to relive it. But his mind was not able to capture anything. He never experienced such an easiness before. He glanced at his alarm clock. It said 7. Somehow the alarm clock appeared to be the culprit. He threw it with all his force towards the mirror. But still the wreckage didn’t appear to answer his question.

He was sitting on his bed, his hands trying to comfort his head. Something was very very wrong. He could feel it from head to toe. Every part of his body was shouting for exemption. His thought process was in shambles. He tried searching for his sole companion but he could only find the empty boxes of cigarette lying all around. It appeared as if the entire fate has plotted this against him. He was just unable to fathom what was going on. His world had literally come to a standstill and he could not do a thing about it.

He was looking at the broken pieces of mirror lying on he ground. His own image broken into several pieces in front of him, just like his soul, just like his existence. It started with a prick and now it was surging in. He was looking around, trying to find a life somewhere around, the one which he could torture in order to cure him. May be the sadistic pleasure help him find a way out.

The funny part was that all this while he never tried to escape from the room. He was still sitting in the same posture. The boulder of all the mess that he had caused lying all around him. There was nothing left to destroy, neither in the room nor in his life. He didn’t know who he was. He didn’t know where he was. He couldn’t remember anything about his life but the last hour. The hour which was nothing sort of a living hell. He kept on shouting at the top of his voice for long stretches, hoping the demon that had engulfed his soul to find a escape somehow. He tried torturing himself using the broken pieces of mirror. The wounds and the blood didn’t appear to help him either. But somehow, in one way or the other, they seem to gave him a blurred vision. The pain was bringing back the memories. Whatever was happening right now was just like a Deja Vu. He decided not to stop. If this is what it took, then let it be.

Amidst all the pain, amidst all the havoc, amidst all the suffering, Rahul decided that there was no way out. He can’t continue to let this happen to him anymore. Enough of pain he had endured, it was time to let go. He kept looking in that piece of mirror. His brown eyes were still gleaming with confidence , looking at him, trying to console him. It would be over, you just need to give it one more try. “Yes it would be over. It would be over for sure.”, he said to himself.

He dusted his bed, arranged the bedsheet and the pillow. He took his cellphone, typed something and hit the send button. He took a deep breath and went back to sleep. With a hope that may be this time when he wakes up, he would have found an answer to all his questions. But it’s been long since he had been living by that hope. It was clearly not working. His eyes were closed and his mind was trying to get hold of that state of unconsciousness that he always strived for. He was drifting into those unknown tunnels once again, trying to find that spot of light. He once again entered that alley through that mysterious door. The door which always made him anxious. The door which had so many things written on it which Rahul wanted to read but somehow he wasn’t able to. The door which closed this time, with a very loud thud.

There he was. Sleeping like a little kid, pure and carefree. The slit in his right wrist very much evident by now. The work was done, he was free. He stood there looking at that magical door. It was closed forever, no one would be forcing him to go back to face all the torture. He started walking towards the door. His anxiety rising with every step. At last, he would be having a good look of that door. At last, nothing would hurry him to leave that place. At last, he would be able to stand there for as long as he wishes to and read what was written on that door. And at last, he would be able to write on that door too, telling everyone about his own little story.

The First Test

So here I am. Somehow sneaked in some time to blog amidst my end term examinations. I have continued with the examinations part in MBA just from where I left it in B.Tech. But there is a “slight” difference. In engineering, the day before the exams you wouldn’t have found us going around places and talking to each other in terms of the next paper we were supposed to have. The day before the Digital Image Processing exam we were not trying to process every information out of any random image we got. The day before cryptography we were not talking to each other in cryptic statements. Neither were we boasting of the immense database we had, the day before DBMS paper.

But here in MBA, just before the day of exam, everyone everywhere appear to get in the complete mode of the exam we are supposed to have. This doesn’t mean that everyone is glued to notes and tutes trying to cramp everything one could get his hands across. But just by the behavior, you could actually tell the paper one have the next day. We are three papers down, four to go, one scheduled tomorrow. Let me give you a sneak peek into the behavioral analysis of a common stupid student the day before exam.

Act 1 Scene 1 : Eve of Economics Paper
Location : Mess

Dude 1: So howz your preparation like??
Dude 2: Don’t ask that question. With every other slide that I look into, my concentration and the willingness to study keeps on decreasing. The law of marginal utility is taking its toll on me too. Wassup with you?
Dude 1: My preparation ceiling has already been set by my lack of prior preparation. So basically I have nothing left to study now as it would only lead to a non binding intersection between the knowledge and the learning curve.

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Act 1 Scene 2 : Just after the economics paper
Location : On the way down the 96 steps

Dude 1: How was it?
Dude 2: The information that was required was in surplus while the information that I had was in shortage. No further discussion please. Please

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Act 2 Scene 1: Eve of Industrial Engineering Paper
Location : Pond (with a lot of externalities influencing the conversation)

Character 1: I am not studying anything. My attendance is short and no matter how much I study I won’t get a grade better than P. So studying for the paper is not advisable from the productivity point of view since output is intangible.
Character 2: My preparation is very unbalanced right now. I am just trying to find a few measures to make it balanced. Any suggestions?
Character 3: Try finding that 20% of the syllabus from which 80% of the paper would be framed. I suspect Pareto would have his say here too.

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Act 2 Scene 2: Post Paper Scene
Location: Just outside the classroom.

All the characters unified: Studied so much but to no avail. This is a learning curve for me. It looks like the time I am going to dedicate to study will go down with every consecutive paper.

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Act 3 Scene 1: Just before the Finance Paper
Location: In the examination hall

Specimen 1: What is the status quo?
Specimen 2: Can’t say as of now. I have done my part and credited a lot of efforts in the preparation. Let’s see how much marks are actually debited into my grade sheet.

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Act 3 Scene 2: Post Paper
Location: Sutta shop

Specimen 2: Royally screwed. It was Liabilities all the way. No assets No profit. Only loss loss and loss.

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Act 4 Scene 1: Pre Communications paper scene
Location: PPO Road

Drunkard 1: My parent ego state is forcing me to study. My child ego state doesn’t want to study but is compelled by the parent. But my adult ego state is asking me to make my way to the Shri Krishna Bar and learn some communication skill by interacting with people while in semi conscious state of mind. Hail Eric Berne. Hail Bakar skills.

………………

That’s it folks. As it would have been very clear till now, I have a communications paper tomorrow and three paper post that too. And I assure you nothing is going to change. It’s a dynamic field we are in and the role play is something that will continue till the last paper. And just for the records, that drunkard in the last scene was not me 😛 :P.

P.S. Few of the conversations posted here could be “credited” to the witty fb status of few of my batchmates. The list is ever growing but there is ceiling set on the space and time limit too, so had to cut it short. 😉 .. Wish me luck for tomorrows paper. Sayonara.

P.P.S. This was written in a hurry. So please ignore any grammatical errors. Thanks 🙂

Kingdom of Dreams

I have my exams starting from day after tomorrow. And I have been staring at the definition of Industrial Engineering for some 15 minutes now, neither trying to understand what it meant nor making an attempt to rote the same. Somehow I am not able to concentrate on the study part right now, or may I am too relaxed about everything since the 11th hour is yet to arrive.

I have been an over confident and careless student through and through when it comes to exams, but the situation right now is not the very same. This was the same way I used to go about my preparation during my B.Tech as I have been doing in my MBA. But there is a whole lot of difference amidst the two. Unlike my engineering, I am not undervaluing the essence of studies right now. I very well know that it’s not going to work the same way and carelessness is a big NO right now. But then there has been a thing I have been following all my life and I am really proud that I have managed to maintain it till now, in spite of all the hiccups, road breakers and peaks and valleys I have encountered so far. And that is doing what I want to do. Somehow I am not convinced by the idea of looking into the “bigger” benefits of future to ignore the “little” benefits that you get today. I know many of the people would not agree by my point of view but that is how it works with me right now. The voice of my heart still comes before what my mind has to say.

I have already entered the professional world but still there is a long way to go before I turn professional. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or not but still I would like to live a few years of “unprofessional”  life, doing what I really want to do, not weighing it’s advantages and disadvantages, not analyzing the “opportunity cost” of each and everything and foremost of all, not letting the worry of future ruin my present. There is a phrase from the Latin poem by Horace – “CARPE DIEM” , meaning “seize the day”, and don’t I follow the same? Certainly I do.

Life is not about placements. Life is not about grades. Life is not about following an algorithm, going the same way round and round, doing what you are supposed to do, trying to attain perfectionism by adopting several measures that has been laid down in the rule books by the gentlemen whose name are sought for examples at every other place. S for Success and S for Satisfaction. Neither of them exactly guarantee the achievement of other. I see a whole lot of successful people trying to find out the reason why they are living for. And if I have to choose between one of the two S, I would surely go for the latter. Few people ask me what is the goal of your life? I don’t really know how should I answer this question. There ain’t any particular goal to your life. Life is about the little things that make you happy. The little things that bring smile on the face of your dear ones. Life is about the other beautiful lives that are linked with yours. Life is about living every day like it was your last. You can never predict what can happen to you the very next second can you?…

Try everything in your life, even if it appears totally absurd. Do weird things, the one you never thought you would do. Be a spendthrift, don’t think a lot before buying something you wish you possess. At least till the time your life is independent. In a few years from now you would be married and then your life will not be completely yours. You would have to start living for others more than for yourself. At that time would you want to look back at your life and regret of not doing something you wished to do?? I suppose not.

Trying to find a gist of everything I do. Trying to find a reason behind attaching myself to few people so much like they are an integral part of yourself. Trying to reason out few completely insane things that I have done all my life. An when I come to think of it, I realize that the reason I do everything is that I am very very selfish. These small things give me happiness. And when I say “small”  I say it in relation to the standards that have been laid by this success driven society. For me these things are “huge”. And I sincerely pray to God that they remain the same forever.  🙂 🙂