The Lost Diary

Good morning everyone ! Sorry to break it to you but we are already two months down in the new year. It’s already March. But I don’t wish to complain. World T20 is here. And Team India is in terrific form. Hope they win World Cup on the top of the Micromax Asia Cup (or have I spoken too soon?)

An interesting thing happened today. I was digging up some of my old pics from my long lost Hard Disk and somehow landed in this particular folder. My Diary.one lay there in all its pride. I had almost forgot about it. This was one diary that I scribbled (not literally – just some keystrokes I meant) everything on during my engineering days. Funny that I should find it. I did remember that I kept it locked and password was one that no mortal could crack. No way I could get through that defence. But then I realize that it is already 1 in the night and I have nothing useful to do. Plus MS OneNote doesn’t lock you out for unsuccessful attempts (That is my good guess – Though I can bet for two attempts at least coz it cracked open the third time).

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The Wine Shop Chronicles

You are walking on a street with your friend, contemplating what happened through the day and trying to decipher the meaning of life, and suddenly this strikes your ears, “Only go to that place where you are respected. If you go to a place where you know you will be disrespected, then my friend you don’t have any self esteem”. So much of Gyaan in just one sentence. I looked at my friend and smiled. It was Friday evening. It was a scene outside a wine shop. It was a conversation between two friends who were totally “set”.

Madhushaala - The Chronicles

Madhushaala – The Chronicles

The sign said “Child Beer”. We knew that we still are children at heart, and one innocent Beer never kills anyone. God gave us the signal and we flashed our way through the mob. A mob where everyone was trying their best to have their voice heard. There are only a few places where everyone is treated equal and this certainly was one of them. Doesn’t matter if you are there to buy a JD or a pawwa, you got to wait your turn. So did we, and meanwhile I tried to scan through the various components which made up this mob.

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That time of the Day

Half past three. I don’t know what term should I use for this time of the day. A morning approaching? A night bidding farewell? Or a meeting between the two inching closer?

Just switching over from one tab to other. Facebook seems ugly. YouTube appears obsolete. Tried blogging something down a couple of times. Didn’t work though …

Nothing wrong with me or my mood. It’s just that time of the day. I sit here in my study at my home, just like I used to 7 years back. The IIT-JEE days. The first real test of my life. I never prepared seriously for it though. I used to sit here just the way I am right now. The TV used to be set on a particular channel. I never looked at it though. I just wanted the sound to accompany me while I was solving those questions from Irodov. My brain used to be occupied with the Quantum Mechanics. And my heart. My heart was occupied with something far better.

Yeah. That time of the day. Sometime down the line RKGIT happened. This was the time of the budding engineers’ late night conversations. The time when we bonded the most. The self termed “Mafias” we were. Playing volleyball from midnight to the stroke of the morning. Intoxicated with the ecstasy of the youth, picking up fights every now and then. Making all the big plans and forgetting them the next day. Strolling down the campus, it felt like our own territory and we the undisputed rulers of the same.

Dawn approaching. 2 years back. D-110. I clearly remember the sequence of events. The CAT days. And this time I did study seriously. And this was the time of the day when I could relax and study without being concerned about a knock on the door. The cluttered room. Walls filled with the aspirations, the targets and the expectations. Expectations .. Try avoiding them as much as you can. They only complicate your path. And blur your vision.

I feel so light at this time of the day. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems wrong. The mind is completely blank. I am still miles away from even a hint of any sleep. Just switching over from one tab to other. Facebook seems ugly. YouTube appears obsolete. Tried blogging something down a couple of times. Didn’t work though. Looked back into my checklist. Everything is checked and I have got no pending work. My head is aching like crazy, but my brain is demanding for more and more work. Nothing wrong with my brain. it’s just that time of the day.

A text from here and there. May be a ping on WhatsApp. May be a mail regarding a new marketing event at some B-School. May be a call from someone very close with whom I can share this nothingness with. Again I am expecting. And again it won’t be met. Normally it’s very difficult to convince yourself about something your brain and heart don’t agree upon. But that’s not the case right now. It’s that time of the day. Only one entity is working right now. I am not sure whether it is my heart or brain. But there are no conflict of thoughts.

A plate full of fruits and other stuffs lying in front of me. Left here by my mom to ensure that his son survives through the night. My cupboard containing all my school time memories staring down at me. The top right shelf being occupied by the Harry Potter Books. The left part goes to the nerdy stuff. At the bottom lies the book of quotes. The same book which I use to consult for announcing the “Thought of the Day” every morning in the school. The Book of Quotes. I move through the pages of the book. Page no 59 – Still very clear in the memory. That blue piece of paper still lie here safe and intact. At the place where I put it 7 years back. I chose not to re-read it though. Should I tear it? Should I burn it? Should I return it to its real owner? I don’t know. I can’t decide on anything right now. Thought process isn’t working. It’s that time of the day.

It’s my last day in Lucknow. 24 hours down the line I will be moving back to Mumbai. Back to NITIE. I am home after a gap of 9 months. 2 weeks flew by in a ziffy. And nothing can stop the 1 day remaining from following the suite. Lucknow!! You will be missed. Am I getting emotional? I shouldn’t. Emotions make me weak. Or do they make me stronger? I seriously don’t know.

It’s that time of the day. My entire life is running all across me at the moment. I can see it all. All the places. All the people. All the emotions. Things that went right. Things that didn’t went that right. My success. My failure. Wrongs I did. Wrongs that were perceived to be done by me. The fun. The bonding. Friends. Groups. Trust. Happiness. Heart Breaks. Breakdowns. Support. Moments of Glory. Moments of Gloom. My best friend. My family. Everyone is participating in this showdown.

I am leaving for Mumbai tomorrow. I woke through out the night all these two weeks. Trying to reform myself. Trying to introspect. Trying to analyze the things that happened. Trying to convince myself. And did I succeed? I don’t know. But I feel very light right now. Am I going back a changed person? I don’t know. But I hope a part of me does change. I have made a pact with the time. Let the time keep its part of the promise. I will keep mine.

Once again I open the book and look at that blue paper. My part of the promise says I can’t read the paper. But promises are meant to be broken. But breaking it would spoil all the hard work and conviction of two weeks. But the contents of the paper are too addictive. I got to read it once again. I don’t know what to do. Why can’t I boil down to a decision? Why can’t I? May be because it’s that time of the day. And may be I should just burn the paper down.

Kingdom of Dreams

I have my exams starting from day after tomorrow. And I have been staring at the definition of Industrial Engineering for some 15 minutes now, neither trying to understand what it meant nor making an attempt to rote the same. Somehow I am not able to concentrate on the study part right now, or may I am too relaxed about everything since the 11th hour is yet to arrive.

I have been an over confident and careless student through and through when it comes to exams, but the situation right now is not the very same. This was the same way I used to go about my preparation during my B.Tech as I have been doing in my MBA. But there is a whole lot of difference amidst the two. Unlike my engineering, I am not undervaluing the essence of studies right now. I very well know that it’s not going to work the same way and carelessness is a big NO right now. But then there has been a thing I have been following all my life and I am really proud that I have managed to maintain it till now, in spite of all the hiccups, road breakers and peaks and valleys I have encountered so far. And that is doing what I want to do. Somehow I am not convinced by the idea of looking into the “bigger” benefits of future to ignore the “little” benefits that you get today. I know many of the people would not agree by my point of view but that is how it works with me right now. The voice of my heart still comes before what my mind has to say.

I have already entered the professional world but still there is a long way to go before I turn professional. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or not but still I would like to live a few years of “unprofessional”  life, doing what I really want to do, not weighing it’s advantages and disadvantages, not analyzing the “opportunity cost” of each and everything and foremost of all, not letting the worry of future ruin my present. There is a phrase from the Latin poem by Horace – “CARPE DIEM” , meaning “seize the day”, and don’t I follow the same? Certainly I do.

Life is not about placements. Life is not about grades. Life is not about following an algorithm, going the same way round and round, doing what you are supposed to do, trying to attain perfectionism by adopting several measures that has been laid down in the rule books by the gentlemen whose name are sought for examples at every other place. S for Success and S for Satisfaction. Neither of them exactly guarantee the achievement of other. I see a whole lot of successful people trying to find out the reason why they are living for. And if I have to choose between one of the two S, I would surely go for the latter. Few people ask me what is the goal of your life? I don’t really know how should I answer this question. There ain’t any particular goal to your life. Life is about the little things that make you happy. The little things that bring smile on the face of your dear ones. Life is about the other beautiful lives that are linked with yours. Life is about living every day like it was your last. You can never predict what can happen to you the very next second can you?…

Try everything in your life, even if it appears totally absurd. Do weird things, the one you never thought you would do. Be a spendthrift, don’t think a lot before buying something you wish you possess. At least till the time your life is independent. In a few years from now you would be married and then your life will not be completely yours. You would have to start living for others more than for yourself. At that time would you want to look back at your life and regret of not doing something you wished to do?? I suppose not.

Trying to find a gist of everything I do. Trying to find a reason behind attaching myself to few people so much like they are an integral part of yourself. Trying to reason out few completely insane things that I have done all my life. An when I come to think of it, I realize that the reason I do everything is that I am very very selfish. These small things give me happiness. And when I say “small”  I say it in relation to the standards that have been laid by this success driven society. For me these things are “huge”. And I sincerely pray to God that they remain the same forever.  🙂 🙂

Time Out

Hey folks … Look who is back …  😉  … Missed me all this while ???? … C’mon speak up …… lol .. So I am going to presume that you did miss me ….

Okay .. Enough of prating … There was a reason behind my absence for so long ( though I kept apparating back and forth at fixed intervals ) …. I was , somehow , under the impression that I need to alienate myself from anything and everything that could act as a means of distraction in the so called laborious process I was undergoing …. But its better to live a short life on an island than die a centurion in a cave …. Thanks to some serious advice I was given , I have understood  that in order to taste the success , I need to love the process … the every tit and bit of it … the very gist of it … and stop treating it as a burden rather than something engrossing …. And guess who was the one behind this golden advice …. None other than my alter ego …  😉

So here I am … Many things have changed since we last met … This interval was nothing different from the usual “Life” … Marked by many ups and downs … Peaks and valleys all the way through … Many faces unveiled … Many misconceptions cleared … And most importantly , a hell lot of new people in my life ( yes you , all of my “bootcamp” friends ) …

Once out of the school , I never thought I would experience any such thing as Summer Camp ( though the CL faculty termed it as a “Boot Camp” ) … The classes were scheduled from 9 to 7 .. for 21 days( I know that makes you say things like OMG and WTFH .. ) … Same was my reaction … How the hell these 21 days will pass …. Jai sir had a logic behind all this … According to some XYZ medical research , if you do a particular thing for 21 days in continuum , it becomes your habit …. And obviously , he was trying to assimilate this stuff called “studies” into our routine … Fair enough ..!!!

 

As it turned out , I never knew how these 21 days flew away … very much like everything , it ended before it hardly started … Amidst the quantitative aptitude , we were adding up the people in our friends list ( not virtual , but real 😉 ) …. Amidst all the verbal ability , we were having the time of our life interacting with each other …. On one hand , we were inculcating the basic skills required for interpreting data , and on the other , we were mocking away all our worries in air … The logical reasoning never appeared to be so logical until then ….. Learning can be fun .. yes it can surely be .. And this is what Jai sir knew perfectly well …. He knew , all the way , what he was doing and boy did he do it well …!!!!!

The process which appeared to be intolerable at the inception , turned out to be a roller coaster ride in the end …. A ride with a lot of twists and turns … Twist was when I found out that I have a crush on someone … Turn was when , later , I discovered that she was already in a relationship ( :heartbreak:  😛  ) …. And guess what … One of my batchmates bet on the fact that I would not skip coaching even if someone offered me a free movie …. lol … Turned out that she lost the bet and I won a free tour to the nearby theater .. Looks can be quite deceptive you see …. I might fare well in the tests but that doesn’t go ( by a long way ) to show that I am a book worm ( though I admit that I was one , once ) …. Anyways , a free movie is a free movie … Lady Luck … Keep showering these fortunes over me .. 😀 😀 😀
Now on a serious note …. CAT is approaching … and that too very fast …. There is a positive plus a negative aspect about my preparation , as of right now  …. The negative aspect is that I am lagging behind in few areas … And the positive aspect … The positive aspect is that I know that I am lagging behind in few areas  😉  …. I just need to buck up and see it through right until the very end …. Its a hard nut crack … But some things in life come without a shortcut , this being the one  … 🙂