Half past three. I don’t know what term should I use for this time of the day. A morning approaching? A night bidding farewell? Or a meeting between the two inching closer?
Just switching over from one tab to other. Facebook seems ugly. YouTube appears obsolete. Tried blogging something down a couple of times. Didn’t work though …
Nothing wrong with me or my mood. It’s just that time of the day. I sit here in my study at my home, just like I used to 7 years back. The IIT-JEE days. The first real test of my life. I never prepared seriously for it though. I used to sit here just the way I am right now. The TV used to be set on a particular channel. I never looked at it though. I just wanted the sound to accompany me while I was solving those questions from Irodov. My brain used to be occupied with the Quantum Mechanics. And my heart. My heart was occupied with something far better.
Yeah. That time of the day. Sometime down the line RKGIT happened. This was the time of the budding engineers’ late night conversations. The time when we bonded the most. The self termed “Mafias” we were. Playing volleyball from midnight to the stroke of the morning. Intoxicated with the ecstasy of the youth, picking up fights every now and then. Making all the big plans and forgetting them the next day. Strolling down the campus, it felt like our own territory and we the undisputed rulers of the same.
Dawn approaching. 2 years back. D-110. I clearly remember the sequence of events. The CAT days. And this time I did study seriously. And this was the time of the day when I could relax and study without being concerned about a knock on the door. The cluttered room. Walls filled with the aspirations, the targets and the expectations. Expectations .. Try avoiding them as much as you can. They only complicate your path. And blur your vision.
I feel so light at this time of the day. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems wrong. The mind is completely blank. I am still miles away from even a hint of any sleep. Just switching over from one tab to other. Facebook seems ugly. YouTube appears obsolete. Tried blogging something down a couple of times. Didn’t work though. Looked back into my checklist. Everything is checked and I have got no pending work. My head is aching like crazy, but my brain is demanding for more and more work. Nothing wrong with my brain. it’s just that time of the day.
A text from here and there. May be a ping on WhatsApp. May be a mail regarding a new marketing event at some B-School. May be a call from someone very close with whom I can share this nothingness with. Again I am expecting. And again it won’t be met. Normally it’s very difficult to convince yourself about something your brain and heart don’t agree upon. But that’s not the case right now. It’s that time of the day. Only one entity is working right now. I am not sure whether it is my heart or brain. But there are no conflict of thoughts.
A plate full of fruits and other stuffs lying in front of me. Left here by my mom to ensure that his son survives through the night. My cupboard containing all my school time memories staring down at me. The top right shelf being occupied by the Harry Potter Books. The left part goes to the nerdy stuff. At the bottom lies the book of quotes. The same book which I use to consult for announcing the “Thought of the Day” every morning in the school. The Book of Quotes. I move through the pages of the book. Page no 59 – Still very clear in the memory. That blue piece of paper still lie here safe and intact. At the place where I put it 7 years back. I chose not to re-read it though. Should I tear it? Should I burn it? Should I return it to its real owner? I don’t know. I can’t decide on anything right now. Thought process isn’t working. It’s that time of the day.
It’s my last day in Lucknow. 24 hours down the line I will be moving back to Mumbai. Back to NITIE. I am home after a gap of 9 months. 2 weeks flew by in a ziffy. And nothing can stop the 1 day remaining from following the suite. Lucknow!! You will be missed. Am I getting emotional? I shouldn’t. Emotions make me weak. Or do they make me stronger? I seriously don’t know.
It’s that time of the day. My entire life is running all across me at the moment. I can see it all. All the places. All the people. All the emotions. Things that went right. Things that didn’t went that right. My success. My failure. Wrongs I did. Wrongs that were perceived to be done by me. The fun. The bonding. Friends. Groups. Trust. Happiness. Heart Breaks. Breakdowns. Support. Moments of Glory. Moments of Gloom. My best friend. My family. Everyone is participating in this showdown.
I am leaving for Mumbai tomorrow. I woke through out the night all these two weeks. Trying to reform myself. Trying to introspect. Trying to analyze the things that happened. Trying to convince myself. And did I succeed? I don’t know. But I feel very light right now. Am I going back a changed person? I don’t know. But I hope a part of me does change. I have made a pact with the time. Let the time keep its part of the promise. I will keep mine.
Once again I open the book and look at that blue paper. My part of the promise says I can’t read the paper. But promises are meant to be broken. But breaking it would spoil all the hard work and conviction of two weeks. But the contents of the paper are too addictive. I got to read it once again. I don’t know what to do. Why can’t I boil down to a decision? Why can’t I? May be because it’s that time of the day. And may be I should just burn the paper down.