If I’d known, I would have done things differently.
– The Dry (Jane Harper)
I might have done things differently. Or I might have wanted them to stay the same. Who knows? In this world of jumbled realities, it’s better to leave things as they are, than looking too much into them.
All good things come to and end. MUST come to an end. I don’t think this is necessarily a negative statement. How can something new come until you let go of the old? But cannot you run along with both? Who knows! I guess I have to find out.
He looked forward impatiently, as one might look to the moment of a journey that one does not particularly wish to take. And like any traveler, he felt that there were many things he had to do before he left, yet he could not think what they were.
~ John Williams, Stoner
I am at home right now, courtesy Holi holidays (Holiday to be precise, clubbed with weekend). We are continuously chasing deadlines, trying to squeeze out few days in order to escape the loop. I have been home for Holi for the first time in last 5 years.
I had just entered the loop of the professional life and was still stuck in chasing targets. I was in Mumbai, with my cousins and Sam. I was walking from Pedder Road to Priyadarshini Park, taking in all the visuals that filled up the surroundings. This was the first time I was seeing how the city looked like in the festive season. There was a sharp contrast with “UP ki Holi” – No one attacked me with a barrage of color balloons. I could not see shirtless, silver faced humans, tripling on a bike, shouting out their ecstasy to the other members of the silver-face community. It was all quite civilized and I reached PDP safe and sound, although I did not wished for the same. I missed my city and this was one of the very few things of the Maximum city that did not appeal to me.
The bus ride from Monachil to Granada was marked by the panoramic view of the hills of Sierra Nevada. The colorful corners cut across the street which twisted and moved like a serpent. The homes, like little crayon boxes, were stacked one above the other, on the hilly terrain. It was like the white city of Nerja, just a little more colorful, and slightly less spicy.
The bus ride from Monachil to Granada is marked by corners like these, repeated until the destination.
I was caught in a state of trance looking at the map, trying to memorize the path to Calle Elvira from the bus stop. I was glad and anxious to go around without the GPS. The next bus to Monachil would leave in 2 hours and that is all the time I had to go to Calle Elvira, procure what I came for, and make my way back to the stop. When we got down at Granada, everyone else started moving towards Alhambra, while I crossed the bridge and continued forward to the Plaza.
I almost forgot about you.
As I thought.
But I will not give up on you yet.
Let’s see if we can get along.
Nothing but the blue sky from now on.
But what about the storm?
The overcast skies. Clouds storming in.
An angry gargoyle staring at us.
Let’s see if we can find calm in the storm, once again.
I don’t understand quotes.
They seem nothing more than just a few wise words.
Just as I don’t understand rhymes.
I cannot relate to it at that level.
We are the exceptions, of course.
The minority does not decide the nature of the society.
But we have always been firm believers in destiny.
Nothing could have been better. Nothing would be worse.
The balance will always be restored.
A complex game of probabilities.
Permutations and combinations of everyday life.
From the choice of coffee to our beliefs and ideologies.
A maze without a hero. Or a villain.
I almost forgot about you.
As I thought.
I see you peeking from the shadows.
The quest for clarity. You thought you almost had it.
Do you? Let’s see. Let’s see if we can still get along.
I will not give up on you yet.
Have you ever felt numb? I mean, the peaceful kind of numb? When you are glad that there is no thought running across your nerves. You feel and understand the things as they look. Take them for that face value and nothing else. Look around you and there is no particular direction you would rather go to, or not go to. Everything feels the same.
I stood right next to a broken bench. The blanket of rain and mist had taken over the place. The grass looked fresh as ever, the birds chirpy as ever. I looked at the lake, staring back at me from far away. I felt numb, looking at it, as everything in the surrounding settled down. I had just arrived at this place and I wanted to do nothing but to sit down and look.
I was lying in my tent. The rain had picked up in the last half an hour. It was getting cold. I peeked outside the tent if the lake has risen. But it was too hazy to see that far. This place reminded me of my village. How everything came alive when it rained. And also how everything became quiet. I laid on my back, closed my eyes, and decided to live in those memories for sometime. It started a chain reaction, and I kept on jumping from one memory to another, in an attempt to find something I had been missing. I remembered a few things, alright. But I also understood that there were so many gaps created along the way. I remember that one incident when I fractured my leg, and a few incidents in that timeline. I remember how getting into a new school everywhere was so tough. It is only the initial few days that I remember. It feels “fun” was not a part of my primary curriculum.
I opened my eyes. It was almost dark. The candle had almost burnt out and crickets and fireflies had took over the place. It was dark, yet the place shone with enthusiasm. I could hear a cuckoo singing somewhere in the distance. It sounded tired, but calm. I lit another candle, rolled another sunshine and went across yet another trip into my mind.